A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. Alright, Ronan. They turned out beautifully. I would have chased you like the wind today. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. Ronan. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. Im sitting in the parking lot. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. I hope you are safe. I think Im having a mid-life crisis. Why the fuck did this happen? I talked to George Clooney last night and Im going to run off with him. (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him? I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way. I had the flu. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. Not sleeping well. I remember our last moments together. Ronan. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. How am I supposed to get through that one? The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. Liam ran pretty much the whole lake, by himself. little man. Ill just stick with pie for now. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. He laughed at that. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. The screaming wont stop now. I miss you so much. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. Gnite. The Kardashians?! And no. Handing her your Rocard. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. This led to me bawling on the phone. I cried after I dropped your brothers off at school, I cried over every single Taylor Swift song that came on the C.D. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that youre not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. You know I will always say yes to New York. I know how much your heart is broken. Ronan. Aye! Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared shes going to die if you let me go to my due date. When do you leave for New York? The day you left me is almost here. Its late now. I do know this. I need to rough them up a bit. Alright little man. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. I can feel it. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. I let myself get lost in my baking. Kass. Please!!!!!!! We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. How surreal this all still seems to me. I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. I dont blame them. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. I dont know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I had Quinn call your Nana. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Your brothers want to play as well. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. But I just promised him I would try instead. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry. Of course I can. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. I heard her mom call out her name. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. I just want you back. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. WTF. At least that is the vibe I got. I was out cold. Almost too good. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. That woman has such a way with words, that she could have no doubt brought every person in that room, to their knees begging to know her secret. We didnt ask for much, Mr. President. She is a great doctor. We shared some fruit and nuts. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. There is nothing sweet and fluffy about having to dig your babies ashes out of his urn to place them in a plastic baggie, so you can take him on a trip with you. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. Ive been telling myself all day things like your death, isnt really real. Everyday, she is surviving Ronan. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. Im used to being the energizer bunny. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. She sent me a picture of it today. Ambien won. Tricia. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. My board members told me I was a genius tonight. Wheres Ronan? But if I would have said something, it would have been something like this: Im not a doctor. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. I forget to write about 23 months without you. Your daddy watched me as I paced around for days, cried in bed, telling him if anything happens, that this will be the worst thing to happen to me, since losing you. Ronan. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. Swallow pill. Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. I miss my workouts. Im not a researcher. I might have to end this now. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. FUCK THAT SHIT. I'm hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. I am still trying to absorb this all. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. He is someone you loved so much. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. Ronan. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. Liam chimed in, too. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Consider it done. he said. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. Poppy is so lucky. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. Gnight baby doll. Those are you are so fucking lucky. So shut up, suck it up, and be grateful. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. Those are not problems. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. You were innocent. Its taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. Nothing helps. As I said before, I dont think I need any words. Its raining like crazy here today. I hope you are safe. Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. Most of our weekends are low key. She has given me a lot to think about. They make me want to take on the world because I know I can change this. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. It doesnt work. Thank you.. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. I got home to our empty house. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I dont think this is normal. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. I think its a big part of the missing piece of the puzzle of this sometimes detached from emotion reality that these doctors live in. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because its the world solelylive in now. We sat for a while longer and caught up. I think so, but to know so, Id have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. Again, but not always. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. Whats going on? I miss you. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. Am I pushing things a bit? I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. At least my anger seems to be under control. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. Ronan. 0 faves. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. We all are. It was official. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. Tell me what I can do for you. Your daddy keeps telling me that Im wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. I know what needs to be done. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. I felt myself panic. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. He said he knew it. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. ! because thats what I totally felt like. They are both so excited. Its o.k.

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