Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! I feel good about myself. He said now he know i wasnt love. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. He took advantage one time too many. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? Wait and see what happens. It was the principle of it. I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. He cannot believe he even said that to me. I am sorry you are suffering through this. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. Leave me out of the equation. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. Protect yourself. But he was a coward. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. Mid life crisis? Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. Our life stayed secure. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? If Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. It is up to him to decide. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. He texted me again the next morning asking when he could see the baby and I offered for him to see her that night, and he again apologized for the things he said to me. He is manipulating you (like my H did to me). I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. I think of suicide quite often now. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. I can totally relate. And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. And I probably made it worse because every time he did something bad, and we fought I would really blast him and make him more insecure. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. I am so not ready to go down that road. I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. Its been very strange. but i need to. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. I thought we turned the corner. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. Has giveN you some great advice. With therapy and support and this blog, I have confidence in myself. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. Im not playing. His response? But now you are in limbo. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. The damage has been done. Its been a few weeks since ive written. Theres loss of your family life. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. I think its his conscious. So I demanded the post nup. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. A cheater. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. I would just say ok to him b/c I knew I could not change his mind. in the comment section below. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. Bc if you thought that you were wrong, I on the other hand have read texts, seen proof, lived through this hELL that doesnt seem to ever go away. When I do go do things, I know hes curious, but hes very good at not asking questions and trying to act like he doesnt care, but I can tell things get to him. It may not be in every case. a. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. We have somewhat similar stories. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. I think most, if not all BSs would love to have a do-over and the chance to handle things differently. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. Or prettier. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. Plain & simple! But who knows. I wish Id done that on day 1, but the fear of losing them is so powerful, youre terrified to demand anything of them because they are already showing you that youre disposable to them, and youre terrified of giving them the final reason to boot YOU! Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. When im starting to think none of this is even about me really. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. Just a thought. If you dont mind I have a question: If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. It took me 2 years to get to this point. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. I hope all is well!!! At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. He eventually woke the fuck up and she went on to marry the looser she stole from another woman. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. It helps him continue the affair. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. Then it sticks. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. Which isnt true. If you decide to try and R at some point, you need to come to an understanding between both of you as to what your M will be and look like. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. She was 23 at the start of their relationship, the same year I celebrated my 50th birthday, so I get you on the 20 something part too. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. First wife you give such excellent advice! I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. I am not going anywhere for now, but he doesnt need to know that. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. B/c he was planning on leaving me. Not any more. Part of me is TERRIFIED that I will start to solely focus on me and the baby and stop asking him questions about what hes up to, and he will take advantage of that and start doing whatever he wants as if hes not married and start to enjoy it and fall more and more out of love with me. In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). We were over- marriage, life etc. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. You tell the spouse the truth. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. Nothing penetrates the fog. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. and I think he knows that. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. And then I was calling the shots. How do you get past that? I do not actually feel like cheating. He may try to blame you. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. You lose all credibility and power. WebIt is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life. Most of the time, because of the kids, I acted like nothing was happening. Right now you are fearful of losing him. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. I feel like I hate the guy! I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. He has been staying here since, but on the couch. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. And I wont back down. You are wasting your time. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. Dont stress about the OW. You are very smart. I get nowhere asking him questions. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. He realized how disrespectful it was. I demanded a post nup. I told him I know you email her. You cannot rationalize with crazy. Just my two cents. 4. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. It seems that were high on commitment but low on intimacy and passion. I just dont know how much longer this can last. Plan B. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. Living like hes single but still getting to come home to me and the baby every night. Think of it this way. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. You will never regret standing up for yourself. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. Linda: I should not have done that. Again I think there is more to this story. And I believed it. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. Any $ in my name or certain accounts is not considered marital assets. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. He works hard every day to make amends. It is SO BIZARRE. I was stronger when this first started. Unfortunately that is the truth. The First Wife Not that it matters anyway. we are seeing a councillor. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. Remember that as a kid? I need to DO iT. My husband was acting very strange and very nasty towards me. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. I said to him you are a grown man. For some reason he does not remember this conversation which baffles me. And he is so happy to still be part of this family he doesnt care or complain. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. My H was the guy no one would have ever expected to cheat. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. However, these crises can often be associated with Yes! If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. Although he has been. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. Seriously?! I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. Thank you all for sharing here. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. It can lead to a renewed marriage. He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. I had to put my kids first and coukd not just give up and roll into a ball. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. None of this worked for me but it laid a foundation that I was willing to look past the A and move forward. I thought he was on drugs at DDay 2. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. Youre absolutely right, they are twins! She is not worth it. Calm. I see it. Started as EA but became more than that. Then everything started to make sense. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. And I just hate it bc I TRULY know I am a good woman. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Two steps forward and one step back as they say. The next time he wants to go to a bar until 3 am tell him you will get a babysitter and join him. K. Seriously I am married to his twin lol. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. I love him, probably too much. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. It was totally not him and I was confused because I thought she had left town with another man. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. How im SO insecure now when I never was before. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. People get it. (He has ED, so..). As you all have experienced this pain, no need to go into great detail. She would just stare at them and never say a word. Its a long process to full reconciliation. I learned this from my H cheating. Respond only if you have to. Its easy to say I dont want him here, when hes here all the time. Im afraid that living together like we are is going to make this worse, its going to give him a bad taste in his mouth of what its like to live together and when he does leave he will only feel relief instead of sad like he did when i asked him to leave a few weeks ago. You are absolutely right. To protect ourself. I make sure I am in control off my life. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). Until then, it is his issue and his problem. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. When you become less available you may see a change. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. In my case, I am the CS. I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. The fog was bad. Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." And do not mention the OW for now. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. K. You are doing fine!!! Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. I have NEVER felt this way with him. He is being selfish. No disrespect. I cant IMAGINE lying to someone the way he has lied to me, I dont even think he sees it as lying anymore. You have to make a choice. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. She was 40 my husband 58. Its her or me. I became my mother. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. I wish I had lashed out and told him to F off and get out of my life. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. You are not forgetting. She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. And then went running back to her in the fall. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. Your issues are more than just the A. You need to get strong in your marriage by having self confidence and the willingness to change. Bc this is absolutely awful. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. So sorry for you. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? They have NO reason not to. A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). It comes first. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. This is not fair or good for you to live in limbo. Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. And Im also terrified he will rush into a divorce, when we have both said all along we didnt want to do that yet. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. of course not. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the And then he met this OW and everything changed. Money in your own name. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. He changed. He needed to be shown the door. but it was the more i try to get her to see she was pulling a family apart and 2 kids lives. Because I just dont want to be that person. I have never written on one of these things before, but have been reading through your advice and feel to be gaining a lot from it. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! He is very selfish. No argument. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots.

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